from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize