I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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