talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
