Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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