i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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