were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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