So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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