it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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