I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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