What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
