I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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