if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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