after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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