Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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