I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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