I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
