My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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