the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
