my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We are all done wearing pants today
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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