Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
