Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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