Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
