I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
