where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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