I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
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Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My feet surprised me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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