I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
