who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
