found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
