When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
