When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
