gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
