i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
