Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
