Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
