I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
