If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
