Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
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I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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