What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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