you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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