For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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