Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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