He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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