peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Are we still banned from the library?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
