tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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