u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize