apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just found a bag of teeth...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
