hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.