Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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