If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i now understand why vodka
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
