i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well I just put wine in my tea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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