so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
