Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
