I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
