I hate all girls vehemently.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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