you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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