So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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