hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
