HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
