So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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