My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
